I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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