Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
