I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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