Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize