Non-Jews are for practice
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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