Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
there is puke in my bra ... again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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