Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
