she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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