In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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