seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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