I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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