When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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