Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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