My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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