I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
