if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
