it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
