I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
