i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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