If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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