So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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