some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
