I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
