its not stalking. its research.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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