On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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