My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
organizing the empties. That sober.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
