Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
