I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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