I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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