who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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