I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
