Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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