I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
