I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
