my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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