hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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