All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize