I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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