if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
