i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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