Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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