i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
