Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
