haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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