4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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