Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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