Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
