everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize