and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
