so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
