i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
