one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
