Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
