I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
