and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
