Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Green mimosas i think yes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
