New low: just hacked my moms facebook
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
do herpes really smell.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
