I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize