I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
