I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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