so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
